Down here...

This week came the underlying trepidation awaiting the visit by the Boat Safety Officer, to test, probe and question all the on-board gas appliances and electrical equipment to allow a new certificate to be issued for the boat to remain legally safe for another 4 years. As it happened, it didn't take long to complete the mandatory inspection and soon he was away up the field with another £120 quid!

The rural mooring is still pleasantly quiet, the recent winds have died down now and the temperatures seem to continue to be mild by the Lancashire canal. The daily rainfall seems to be depressingly endless with no signs of Spring apart from a few early shoots poking through. 

Dark and dreary days indeed.

...with some interesting wintery skies at day's end.

Not much solar energy to be harvested with these conditions so the battery management system is proving invaluable to be able to monitor power levels and indicating when to run the engine and for how long to bring the system back up to the required 100%.

Still, no enormous energy bills to worry about!

Boater's winter's are long, long winter's down here on the cut...

...if only there was something to look forward to?

...ok, time to get back on the hedonic treadmill!

Weekend Synoptics...

A deep high pressure system of white will move over northern Scotland during Saturday afternoon, dominating at the breakdowns and bringing a flurry of tries under the new management!

Blog inspired track and latest released single off the new John Grant album 'Grey Tickles, Black Pressure', 

You do this, and you get that

I want what I was promised

I'm a bit impatient...!

                                                        ...And a great little tune to play air clarinet to...!

http://youtu.be/eViyPYJ2okc

Monster...

There is a wintery scene through Andromeda's starboard windows today in Lancashire.

This time of year, along the canal's towpath, you get only the dog walkers and the pikey's passing by. 

Not the sneaky, thieving ones suspected of lifting the lead off the church roof or nicking the lawnmower from next door's shed, it's the other ones.....the Pike fishermen.

Yes men, always men!

Woolly hatted and wrapped up with more skins than an onion they tramp up and down casting their little short rods with their little rubber fish bait....plop, plop, plopping repetitively and then winding at various speeds while staring hopefully at the canal surface in a vain attempt to lure in an elusive monster from the depths.

With massive nets and freezing fingers and weighed down with scales and scissors they puff on fags to keep their lungs warm as they cast and cast and cast, trolling along until all of a sudden the line goes tight and the rod bends....

An expectant face at the window across watches the scene as it excitedly unravels ...has he struck into the record breaker?...with bending rod raised in the wind and hail he frantically winds in his prey but he can't seem to land it? He fights and pulls and tugs, the rod bent like a willow the specimen hunter's catch must be huge?

If only he can land it......oh, hang on....

....it appears that from the towpath, he has casted so far he has missed the canal completely and managed to snag it on the coal bunker cover which although it was putting up a hell of a fight I don't think it was quite the catch of the day he was after? 

I can't really picture him on the cover of the Anglers Mail holding a prized 25kg bag of Milligan's Excel somehow, can you?

REM's single Monster will have to do for this blog...!                    

Something better change...

Sick to death now of pulverised pulses and life changing cacao, chia, maca and goji - it's time to get reality back on track as I'm not sure that the Ying is lining up with the Yang with all this healthy dieting. Having all this fruit and veg ingestion only seems to be making the Andrex bills soft strong and very long and has even started to cause other problems...

It's now no longer possible to open any cupboard on the boat without a plethora of plastic juicers, mixers, and smoothie blenders, all with flip-top-lids-to-go and stay fresh resealable oversized cups tumbling out and clattering all over the floor at every opportunity.

No more compact ninja urine extractors or stylishly contoured meat and herb choppers on this craft....it's gone too far, to the point that only this morning the dog had to be taken down the vets as it got shot in the leg by a stray NutriBullet and this was the final straw.

 It's time to take all his stuff down to the tip where it belongs.

Instead, it's time to embrace the advances in technology and invest in the future.

With a click and a credit card it didn't take long to google up the Internet to Ebay a purchase for the latest hot must have sporty gadget direct from up the Amazon and with free shipping all the way from the sweat shops of Taiwan. 

When it arrived it was strapped on snugly, synced to an app and fired up with dramatic results.

The cheaper option, 'Fatbit' uses latest satellite Gps along with bionic synth stealth    technology to record all the food that you can shove in your cake-hole, monitor your sleepless nights and record how many times you get up for a wee. In the morning, it will wake you with an electric shock and supply you with an electronic till receipt showing how porky you have become overnight while taking into account and deducting any weight loss from your morning ablutions.

The app automatically cancels any direct debits and appointments you have for the local gym and is programmed to bleep and uses google mapping to inform you when you are approaching any fast food outlet that has a promotion on pies. 

The personal trainer programme allows you to stay focused on your blubbery goals,   that is if you goal is to balloon to the size of massive fat walrus and then Twitter your  score to anyone who weighs more than 3 stone in your Facebook contact list to compare the market with other fat biffa's you know.

Finally, with an inbuilt tracker comparison surge it will locate and find you new fat friends, invite them for lunch and book a table at the nearest Nando's and order you the highest calorific meal on the menu.

If in 3 weeks you haven't put on loads of lard, and if you can get it off your leg, you can return it free of charge and get your money back to spend on some more cakes.

So now, I can lie on the settee and watch all the bandy legged Lycra clad joggers puffing down the towpath....it's the future!

An obvious blog title track again by the Stranglers off the 1977 album No More Heroes.

http://youtu.be/ZTl6YBCjaA4

The Times They are a Changin'...

Come gather 'round people

Wherever you roam

And admit that the waters
Around you have grown!

Being a boater it's important to be able to stand at the tiller for long hours and stay alert to the requirement to have to step on and off at a moments notice when a canal side pub is sighted.

So, a healthy mind and body is crucial for an accomplished helms-person in 2016.

Following the Xmas binge that started mid October, it makes sense to make amends going into the New Year.

If only there was a new hardback publication available online to give guidance on what to do if you feel you want to shift the lumps from the blocked aorta and achieve an eternal BMI that would give the reader a base line balanced bottom to die for!

Amazingly there IS one or two to choose from!

From these scientifically proven resources it would appear that fry ups and egg banjo's are old hat and have been banned as they contain saturated polyunsaturates that can indeed block your tubes, cause palpitations and give you excessive embarrassing wind.

This year, in order to be able to moor up perfectly, you really need to improve your metabolic heart rate by reverting to a 5 a day, vitamin rich, diet of moolie, kumquat and parsnip smoothies containing life saving antioxidants to encourage weight loss through osmosis and give you an overall and more publicly acceptable fake tanned enhanced appearance.

Then, by altering mealtimes to having breakfast at teatime, then setting the alarm to have your lunch and dinner together at 3am, will encourage enzymes in the good bacteria to multiply, giving a boost to your free radicals to burn off the excess plaque from your fat balls thus avoiding acute obesity in the twilight years.

From now on, daily protein shakes of the new improved Yakult muscle strengthener with added vitamin P instead of builders tea will replace your chlorophyll overnight and will go a long way to enhance and improve poor eyesight to enable all to spot awkwardly placed water points a bit easier along the towpath, even in the rain!

Combine this with two high tempo Zumba sessions and a strenuous spin class and it could be possible to sail all the way to Lancaster with only one short stop at Bridge 90 for a lite camomile and juniper herbal infusion.

Apparently, going forward, the body can no longer cope with reheated lamb bhoona's,  BBQ'd pulled pork or Hollands steak puddings. 

By the end of the week there is rumour that alarming news could break following NHS insider warnings that drinking pints of real ale could lead to excessive amounts of unwanted urine and may go on to cause bouts of kebab worship followed by insomnia.....so go out and panic buy celery to cut down those calories and combat this evil as the times are definitely a changing!

Time to empty the bog, eh?

Another obvious blog title track, The Times They are a Changin', from 1964 by Robert Allen Zimmerman no less.

http://youtu.be/e7qQ6_RV4VQ

What a Waste...

Only Allah knows what Buddha has got to do with Christmas!

Back from the sales it took ages to cram all the lovely celebrity endorsed merchandise through the narrow Narrowboat doors. Brainwashed by impressive marketing campaigns on Dave and Spike with once in a lifetime tempting half price triple discount  deals down the shops with an easy 'i' swipe payment platform and nothing to 'i' pay EVER!
 It was far too unbelievably irresistible to resist the final bargains.

Unpacking all the 'can't live without' items including a 'must have' battery operated squid, an Adult playboy colouring book with pop out features, several jars of original Old Spice foot balm and a large tube of bohemian beard oil to stabilise growth, enhance and nourish all types of facial hair, the excitement was almost too much.

Basically, a new me was about to emerge with the dawn of the New Year but this mind and body revolution could not have been realised without the purchase of Psychic Skinny Pete's new best seller, an idiots guide to cooking and eating a gluten free hunger strike diet of cous cous, coconut and coriander smoothies 3 times a week to enable the reader to continue to lie on the settee and still shift all the blubber off your flabby bingo wings without having to lift a painted fingernail, saving the time and effort required before preparing a balanced diet and messing about doing regular exercise!

How on earth did life continue without before this enlightenment?

Maybe you shouldn't leave out the exercise?

Maybe half an hour pumping and writhing about in front of Kanye Kardashian's 3 minute belly blitz video will kickstart the New Year's wellness and clean living regime before utilising the benefits of the new organically bespoke Dyson celery spiraliser with an integrated Star Wars BB8 droid attachment for trimming unwanted nasal hair should be the order of the day now?

As we reach saturation point, the last dregs of Aldi's finest Prossecco gets poured down the plug hole and the stinking Stilton that no one ate gets lobbed in the canal, there is just time to get online to check how much money has emptied out the bank and put the last bid on eBay for a combined hover-stroke-ironing board with free shipping from China.

If only there was enough left for a boarding card?

I think a holiday is required!

Where exactly is Copa Cabana?

This latest post blog title was inspired today by the late Ian Dury from the album 'New boots and panties'......probably picked them up in the 
January sales!

https://youtu.be/ZmopROxBnBU

Bomber...

As the festive baubles get blown out of Tinseltown and the year starts to terminate, it would appear to any digital bystanders that it has been the best part of a fair while since the previous blog post was posted. 

Hashtag: lazyandpreoccupiedforafewmonthssocouldntbearsedbutnowbackonit#WTF

So with a semi guilty conscience befitting of a box 3 performance of the last 2 quarters, it's time to tidy up the tales of the mooring, tighten the ropes and empty out the squalid bilge of 2015.

Now with all the TGI Black Friday's thankfully behind us and as the dark satanic mills and factories pump out the final unwanted pressies for the fat bearded consumers to distribute to their turgid little angels in order to enjoy their very own 'Mullerlicious' Christmas; the hours of blissful, uninterrupted consumerism has once again handsomely lined the pockets of the four dandy marketeers of the apocalypse with hardly a sole noticing...

Most seem to have been preoccupied with the festivities to notice that the world's head count has been somewhat reduced this year too, as innocent folk have either been gunned down on holiday, blown up in hotels, cafes and schools, murdered at gigs or sadly drowned at sea when mistakenly thinking they would be helped by caring humans if they left all their possessions and families for a tempting trip away from murdering maniacs.....unfortunately, only changing your avatar to any of the countries flags affected, didn't seem to help these causes.....

...oh, you only did the tricolour??

Still.....at this hospitable time I'm sure some more of these less fortunate inhabitants are left alive somewhere nearby and in our thoughts...

With all these seemingly fine, upstanding, wealthy business moguls trusted with all your hard earned cash in offshore accounts from the festive binges, with their gorgeous, massive,empty mansions up and down the country seemingly all 'unavailable', the 'unwanted' soles wouldn't have had much choice but to spend the festive period celebrating life in their own way, albeit a little colder but fortunately, somewhere out of sight to avoid any guilty consciousnesses.

No doubt when all the festivities are over we will get to hear how they got on....

Back on the mooring, and closer to home, the endless waves of economic migrating waterfowl have been turning up moaning and expecting their rights of a free lunch of nuts and seeds in order to 'survive the bleak winter months'  to be upheld; sharing it begrudgingly with other native mammals claiming similar lame excuses of cold and hunger.  With no bonus again this year they will have to make do with the 'Booths' finest handmade farmhouse cob and a packet of dry crushed up 'Carr's', this year supplemented with a bespoke, homemade gingerbread house, I'm afraid.

The swan's 'chuckling' offspring won't leave home either to both their parents dismay and now the hungry, diving cormorants have moved in over the towpath so the fish stocks will be depleted soon and the kingfisher will go ballistic in the spring!

Endlessly, the winter storms bluster along with 'hurricane Elaine' at the helm, and seem to have blown all the sheep out of the field along with the steadfast 10year guarantee heavy duty roof felt off the top of the shed!

Luckily, so far, the idle solar panel has remained fastened to the boat!

Andromeda sits bemused, old and grey and unaffected by the bewildering chaos, inviting a cosy candlelit sanctuary and peace to all within.....Amen!

So as the floods rise higher than the ability of mankind to build on places a little bit higher, and as the world works out who is to blame for these atrocities to mankind, we continue to fund and spot Tim Peak flying past at seventeen thousand rpm in a drone and wistfully look to the stars and the iCloud's for answers.....

And wonder.....

....why we can't just flog the ISS to ISIS to go and have their global caliphate a few miles away from the earth and maybe we can all get on a bit better next year ....Tim, make that call!

So with a new New Years revolution decided, 

(a)solve world poverty 

(b)to eat a diet of copious quantities of recycled fennel to avoid probable cancerous growths 

(c) and to be a bit more regular...

In the meantime, I just hope there is an invigoratingly big, fat winter sale with half price, last minute unlimited, unmissable bargains with up to 50% off with nothing to pay for the rest of eternity to go to....

So...

It's goodnight from me

And it's goodnight from Lemmy, RIP.

See you next year followers!

Obviously a Motörhead track

Some Better Day...

By their very nature, boaters are supposed to minimise the impact on the environment but given the current state of 'global warming' around here today on the Lancaster Canal I'm not sure we need to bother anymore....

With a pinch and a punch its the first day of June but you wouldn't think it as the ropes are checked and tightened up to secure the boat to the mooring as the gusting wind buffets the bow and the rain splashes across the windows and bounces like walnuts on the roof!
Looking out, the poor wet lambs are almost getting blown over as they try to learn to graze the longer grass with their mums. A redundant BBQ has become sadly waterlogged and waves rip along the surface of the cut. An empty gas bottle remains empty on the mooring as the cowslips bend and Andromeda gently rolls in the wind and in turn causes the wind chime to gently 'clang' inside the galley. The fire inside remains lit, along with a scented candle and this mingled with the aromas of a roasting chicken in the oven, creates all the cosy ness required to sit out the stormy weather.

Last weekend at Crick boat show the weather had been rather better and a few new  inspired purchases were made during the weekend and a few more ideas in luxury design and craftsmanship were stolen. Always a great source of inspiration, from huge 60ft long and 12ft wide, ridiculously priced, wide beams with utility rooms and satellite navigation to tiny day boats with barely room for a collapsible kettle. Stalls and shops displayed completely laughable and horrendously awkward composting toilets and every single piece of chandlery imaginable, all at yesterday's prices with an additional 10% off...no doubt.....great browsing fun for all the family!

No 'chucklings' or fishing folk are about when it's like this, nor any holiday hire boaters as they would find these 'challenging conditions' too much with often more boat than ability.....oh, hang on, at 20:36 some complete 'twonk' has just sailed passed dressed admirably in an inappropriate papier mâché anorak, soaking skinny jeans and new white soggy trainers....you have to feel sorry for them, don't you......!!

....Suddenly, a leafy branch gets ripped by the wind and snaps from the old oak tree above and clatters on to the steel roof with a loud thud, thankfully missing the solar panel!...it's getting wilder and wilder!

Returning inside from the wet stormy carnage some 'nob' at the end of the news is saying it's going to be a sunny 25C tomorrow.......yeah right......just need to last the night out then, eh ?....Michael Fish!

Who would be a boater?(sarcasm!)

This latest post blog title was inspired today by the storm and "the gales of life and laughter"'...  a lyric from a great little tune by John Bramwell, AKA ...I Am Kloot, from the album 'Let It All In'.

https://youtu.be/uJET0Rf_fQo