Sick to death now of pulverised pulses and life changing cacao, chia, maca and goji - it's time to get reality back on track as I'm not sure that the Ying is lining up with the Yang with all this healthy dieting. Having all this fruit and veg ingestion only seems to be making the Andrex bills soft strong and very long and has even started to cause other problems...
It's now no longer possible to open any cupboard on the boat without a plethora of plastic juicers, mixers, and smoothie blenders, all with flip-top-lids-to-go and stay fresh resealable oversized cups tumbling out and clattering all over the floor at every opportunity.
No more compact ninja urine extractors or stylishly contoured meat and herb choppers on this craft....it's gone too far, to the point that only this morning the dog had to be taken down the vets as it got shot in the leg by a stray NutriBullet and this was the final straw.
It's time to take all his stuff down to the tip where it belongs.
Instead, it's time to embrace the advances in technology and invest in the future.
With a click and a credit card it didn't take long to google up the Internet to Ebay a purchase for the latest hot must have sporty gadget direct from up the Amazon and with free shipping all the way from the sweat shops of Taiwan.
When it arrived it was strapped on snugly, synced to an app and fired up with dramatic results.
The cheaper option, 'Fatbit' uses latest satellite Gps along with bionic synth stealth technology to record all the food that you can shove in your cake-hole, monitor your sleepless nights and record how many times you get up for a wee. In the morning, it will wake you with an electric shock and supply you with an electronic till receipt showing how porky you have become overnight while taking into account and deducting any weight loss from your morning ablutions.
The app automatically cancels any direct debits and appointments you have for the local gym and is programmed to bleep and uses google mapping to inform you when you are approaching any fast food outlet that has a promotion on pies.
The personal trainer programme allows you to stay focused on your blubbery goals, that is if you goal is to balloon to the size of massive fat walrus and then Twitter your score to anyone who weighs more than 3 stone in your Facebook contact list to compare the market with other fat biffa's you know.
Finally, with an inbuilt tracker comparison surge it will locate and find you new fat friends, invite them for lunch and book a table at the nearest Nando's and order you the highest calorific meal on the menu.
If in 3 weeks you haven't put on loads of lard, and if you can get it off your leg, you can return it free of charge and get your money back to spend on some more cakes.
So now, I can lie on the settee and watch all the bandy legged Lycra clad joggers puffing down the towpath....it's the future!
An obvious blog title track again by the Stranglers off the 1977 album No More Heroes.
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